By Andy Knauff
*This article is born out of creativity and is NOT to be taken as fact
Anonymous sources from Marietta College’s past have leaked information that implicates Marietta College secretly building their own space station.
“I’m honestly not surprised,” said Brandon Hemenway, a Marietta College senior. “Tuition has gotten crazy high these days, I knew it had to be going somewhere other than the school.”
Joshua Duff, the former VP of Finance from the 1980s, was the first to leak the story.
“I just couldn’t hold my tongue any longer,” Duff said. “We were pouring millions of dollars into this thing, and we still haven’t figured out how to get it off the ground.”
Duff explains that former Marietta College president Frank Edward Downey was the first to make the demand for the space station. Downey was Marietta’s president from 1963-73, and witnessed the space race first-hand.
“Downey was really into the idea. He demanded that we do it,” Duff added. When he saw that NASA had the resources to do it, he thought we should to.”
According to Duff, the space station was designed to serve as a promotional tool for the school.
“We thought that if we could get something in space, more people would want to come here,” he explained. “But all it seems to have done is jack up tuition prices. Although, the high tuition makes Marietta seem like a really elite school, so people come here anyway. It’s a win-win!”
Current administration denies any knowledge of the space station plans, but several other former faculty members have come out to expose the college.
Dr. Michael Erod, former professor and chair of the physics department in the early 1980s, was on the outside looking in, but had some interaction with the space station project.
“They really kept things hush hush,” Erod said. “I never got to see it, but the administration was always asking me about flying saucers and the physics of how things could work. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but after hearing Duff’s explanation, I knew I had a part in it.”
Student responses have been mixed. Caleb Miller, the 2009 McCoy scholar didn’t seem upset in the slightest.
“I’m pretty much going here for free, so I could care less what they’re doing with my $0 of tuition,” Miller said. Miller’s roommate, Caleb Ehllis, naturally disagreed.
“I think it’s stupid we’ve been spending so much money on a space station,” said Ehllis. “We should have been using that money on faster Internet, but I guess that would just be way to practical.”
Even though the basement of Mills Hall remains locked at all times, current president Dr. Joseph Bruno has been emphatic that no such project exists or has ever existed.
“Marietta College has never had a space station, nor will we ever try to have a space station,” Bruno said. “Well, maybe if Ohio Northern goes for it. I would hate to lose a space race to those damn Polar Bears.”